The Intergalactic Press
The Intergalactic Press
by Daisy Trips
Planet Count
4 planets with life were discovered yesterday all of which were found through their hopeful we-are-not-alone signals. Once the signal was detected, we were able to pinpoint their location immediately. Now, based on intergalactic law, we will keep an eye on their planetary development and, if they prove to be a cooperative species with a strong integrated conscious, we will reach out to them in 50,000 years (~1,000 generations, accounting for increased life expectancy). The count for total known planets with life in the universe is up to 1,044,257. The scan is 3.2% / ∞ complete.
Gorgon Trials Update
The Otts Gorgon trials ended abruptly yesterday when the judge became nihilistic and the jury suddenly went blind. Gorgon, a toymaker popular among the green-haired varietals on his planet Wescar, gained intergalactic fame when, by total happenstance, a prototype leg he was developing made a quantum leap and fell into the lap of none other than Queen A-aatzsha while she was traveling abroad aboard her mothership. She took to the unfinished product immediately and began wearing it as a 4th leg.
Since then, the whole Universe is wearing the Gorgon leg. It took just 1 galactical week, or 4 Wescar seconds, for the body accessory to become the number one selling product on Galazon. Gorgon initially said the legs were not ready to be worn because they were still in development, but Queen A insisted he produce many more. She would front the development costs.
The high pressure to produce the product in large quantities in a short amount of time resulted in shipping the product with a necessary warning label: Warning: Use of the Gorgon leg might cause uncontrollable dancing.
For 3 seconds, Gorgon worked tirelessly to ship 1,000,000 legs to meet the sudden demand. People loved the leg. They loved how it symbolically tied them to their many-legged ancestors. The leg was evolutionary retro. Many wearers even loved how it made them dance.
However, one party was not fond of the leg or the dance and that was the King. The tired king was anything but exalted and the public began to see the leg’s toll in his social media posts: “This is the worst…” and “3 is more than 4.” and “@OGtoymaker, the leg doesn’t have to be surgically removed, does it?”
The next day, King Riifuut took to the court system and sued Gorgon over not including the meta-warning on his label: Might make wearer insufferable to others.
During the trial, Gorgon was asked about his toy-making process and if this kind of thing had ever happened before. To defend himself, Gorgon brought another toy in prototype. It was intentionally unfinished to help illustrate to everyone present what his process was like.
Gorgon reached for the toy he was making. He pulled a strange mask out of the bag and said, “This is another toy I am working on. It is an image of the face beneath our masks.” And it was there, for the second time in Gorgon’s life, that one of his unfinished products vanished. This time it appeared more locally on each of the court members’ faces. The trial has been postponed until further notice.
Psychologists Discover Multi-Verse Lifestyle is Happiest
Psychologists discover living simultaneously across multiple universes is at first tiresome, but ultimately rewarding. People who have embraced the multi-verse lifestyle have shown to live longer, happier lives. Their interconnectivity among multiple societies has proven structurally stable and can weather the cosmic storm. For example, if one universe fails to function and goes “black-hole” on the community then there are others that remain who can help them out. They also discovered, in an interesting side-effect, multi-verse livers are often very good story-tellers.
The lifestyle has a barrier to entry. Many who wish it dream of joining other communities. While possible, not all universes are welcoming. When one wants to expand their single-universe lifestyle to a multi-verse lifestyle, there is a lag between when the desire is thought and when it can be achieved. This is known to cause stress in any who pursue the dream and, thus far, is enough of a mental hurdle to dissuade many from attempting the lifestyle.
It can take traveling through 15-20 bad universes to finally find a few that fit your needs, report many of the people who have made it to the other side.
Transition from one universe to another is also something to get used to. In the early stages of transition, people often report a great feeling of hypocrisy as they transform who they are from one moment to the next. After time, it is said, that you lose a need to hold on to that identity, and become adept at flowing freely between each universe.
While it can be a difficult journey to embrace the multi-verse lifestyle, by their metrics psychologists say these people are the happiest living group in the universe. And from the group’s own words, they say, “This is what freedom really means.”
The Moons Have Kissed
Two of our favorite moons from the planetary system, Quiet Touch, have finally kissed. After 14.5 million years on the trajectory, and 400,000 years existing only inches apart, the two have finally touched. Locals to the galaxy are throwing massive parties with music and dancing. More rural star locations roll their eyes at the cosmic event and say, “We all knew it was coming...” and “Don’t bother me with such nonsense. Move on!”